I put you on the bus for your first day of kindergarten today. You were overall so excited, you were beaming; but I could still see some anxiety in your eyes. Could you see it in my eyes?
I question if I did enough for you.
Are you really ready? I know you’ll be fine with the work, but what about everything else? Have I prepared you enough to handle the mean girls on the playground? Are you confident enough with all your social manners? Are you confident enough with me to know you can come to me with anything? That I will always be here to guide you and support you with whatever you need?
I know I’m a good mom – that I’ve done the best I could with my situation – but I still question myself. I couldn’t spend as much time with you as I wanted because I had to work. Was the time I could get in enough? I had all these things planned that I wanted to do with my baby before going off to school, and there are still so many things left on the list we didn’t get to. It’s amazing to me how the rest of life can get in the way and suddenly you blink and the time has passed. Did we at least get through the right things?
There are so many things I want to teach you.
Things that should come from me and not someone at school. Did I build enough of a foundation for you? Did I give you the tools you need to make it through the rough waters of life? Are you confident in the morals of our family? Are you confident in yourself – do you truly believe that you have what it takes to do whatever you put your mind to? (Because you absolutely do!) That you are more than capable to take on this new world and all the crazy highs and lows that go with it? Do you feel a sense of obligation to yourself, your family, and your God to live in a way that honors your being and your roots?
Will you remember the talks we’ve had? Will you know when to run from strangers or from danger in general? Will you know when to run toward something great and push yourself to achieve the accomplishments you’re striving for? Will you take necessary chances to push yourself to new limits, or will you hide behind a wall of safety?
Do you know truly how very much I love you? How you are my very being?
Did I pack enough for lunch for you today?
A constant stream of questions filled my head as I watched you peacefully sleep last night. They choked themselves in my throat as you climbed those high steps into the big, scary bus that took you away from me, down the street and out of my view. I packed (and re-packed) your bag with your supplies for the day. I packed your body with healthy food to give you physical strength. I’ve packed in as many hugs and kisses as you would put up with (and then a few more anyway). Did I pack your early life with enough knowledge and special moments between us? Moments to carry you through the exciting journey ahead of you?
I put you on the bus for your first day of kindergarten today. And all I could do was stand helplessly on the side of the road, blowing a kiss as you entered a new phase of your life.
There’s no turning back.
Now, we just have to grow together and take what each day presents us one step at a time. I will be with you every step of the way, my baby. Know that I will always be there. Know that I did my best at the time. You are my everything. I am so proud of you. I love you.
Have a great day at school. I’ll be right here….
Love,
Mommy
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This post was originally published by The IF Factor and has been used with permission.
